Dollman (AKA MicroCop)

The Details:
Director: Albert Pyun
Written by: Charles Band/Chris Roghair/David Pabian
Runtime: 79 mins
Country: USA
Tagline: "Thirteen inches... with an attitude
Production Company: Full Moon Productions

The Review:
When a picture opens with the Full Moon Production logo, you know you're in for it. What exactly "it" is is anybody's guess. Full Moon Entertainment generally pushes wild concepts that play out as truly original on-screen antics. Not to say that they aren't insanely derivative. They very often cash in on the most recent and successful genre picture, but they are definitely unique, to say the least, by mainstream film standards. So to see that moon float up onto the screen screams "buckle the hell up for some quintessential B fun."

In Dollman, we have Tim Thomerson playing Brick Bardo who's a hardened hero with a preposterously powerful pistol, the 596.8 Ruger. It is widely known to be the most powerful handgun in the universe (you read it right) and can easily separate a man's head from his body or his ass from his colon.

During an interstellar pursuit, Brick gets pulled into a wormhole of some kind and winds up on a planet full of violent, power-mad giants in the midst of all out war. Namely, The South Bronx. He encounters a wholesome and determined woman and they team up to restore order to their dangerous, gang-ridden area of the city.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

The Details:
Director: Jack Perez
Written by: also Jack Perez
Runtime: 90 mins
Country: USA
Language: English
Certification: USA:R
Production Company: The Asylum

The Review:
Another exploitation film from The Asylum, the studio that has brought us dozens of pop-culture rip-offs including Transmorphers (breview coming soon), The Terminators, and The Day Earth Stopped, MS vs GO is a fairly worthy entry into the giant-monster flick genre. Unfortunately, the movie as a whole obviously can't cash the checks written by the box art.

Clearly being fans of classic Godzilla-era films, the filmmakers whip together a traditional small-cast narrative that introduces a colossal, human-caused menace that chews on well-known landmarks. The plot is three statements long --> Monsters awaken after being released from ice by illegal military activity, Monsters terrorize planet for a while and put characters at risk, Monsters fight each other towards the movies end <-- Naturally, the writers want to draw you into the lives of the characters so that you'll feel something for them when they're inevitably placed in Mega-harms way. (Let's face it, folks, they also need to waste time between on-screen monster activity) Unfortunately, they do a poor job of getting us to like the scientists, and they are unsuccessful in creating the illusion that our phony people who stand around in phony locations spouting off phony words are in any sort of actual Ultra-Giant peril.

Ice Spiders

The Details:
Director: Tibor Takács
Language: English
Studio: Sony Pictures
Runtime: 86 min
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Certification: R

The Review:
A group of "Olympic" skiers are taken to a remote ski lodge by their coach in the hopes that being cut off from a wireless signal, those internets, and friends and family back home will force them to keep their minds on the slopes. However, none of them could guess that there is a military base nearby performing experiments on giant spiders, and that those spiders are now running amuck across the frozen landscape. Oh yeah, you smell that? We got ourselves a B movie!

Ice Spiders starts off with an ample amount of promise. The title alone is spectacular, and although "giant spiders" has been done, the setting and ideas are fairly unique. Also, when we're introduced to our first sequence involving Rocky and Bob, two overeager hunters who run into a german shepherd-sized, ash-gray spider that makes quick work off them, I should have been cheering. But, much like the rest of the film, the entire opening sequence is just not satisfying.

First off, Rocky and Bob aren't ignorant or arrogant enough to make their deaths gratifying. The spider itself shuffles along the ground at a menacing .003 mph, allowing it's victims plenty of time to escape. So, much like classic zombie/slasher films, the survival of the characters mostly hinges on how nimble they are. Luckily for this ice spider, the hunters have forgotten how to walk.

Octopus 2

The Details:
Director: Yossi Wein
Runtime: 94 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: 5.1 Dolby Digital
Certification: USA:R (but don't ask me why)

The Review:
Octopus 2 is a rather misleading monster-shlock. After reviewing the B-lariously awesome Octopus I confidently picked Octopus 2 out of the lineup of hack-jobs and Aliens / Predator / Abyss / Terminator amalgamations. However, much like the opening 20 minutes of the original Octopus, I found myself watching instead of pointing and laughing.

The major difference between the two movies is that this lack of giggles and guffaws never came to an end with 'pus 2. Even though the story is much simpler in 'pus 2, where we follow Nick, a member of New York's scuba police squad, as he tries to make sense of a mysterious drowning / murder, this movie throws so much

Vampire Wars: Battle For The Universe

The Details:
Directed by: Matthew Hastings
Writing credits: Matthew Hastings
Release Date: 30 July 2005 (USA) more
Also Known As: Bloodsuckers (Original Sci-Fi Channel Title)
MPAA: Rated R for grisly violence and gore.
Runtime: 99 min
Country: Canada
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: Philippines:PG-13 (Avid Phil) / Germany:18 (DVD) / Australia:MA / USA:R

The Review:
After four absolute-DUD reviews in a row (The Roost, Cult, Serum & Doomed) I had my fingers crossed that Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe would be a step in the right direction. Hell, it seemed that ANYTHING would be better than all of those atrocities combined...But I was let down once again. Ultra-big-time-SSSSIIIIGGHH.

In a bleak 2210, humans have spread themselves throughout most of the universe. Think of it as Manifest Destiny to the 10th power. However, the mass colonization of other worlds hasn't exactly been all wine and roses. It turns out the humdrum-homosapians are outnumbered by various breeds of boring-bloodsucking vampires!

Octopus

The Details:
Director: John Eyres
Country: USA
Language: English
Run Time: 100 minutes
Color: Color
Certification: UK:15 / USA:PG-13
Filmed in: Sofia, Bulgaria

The Review:
I'll get right down to the essentials on this slightly off-classic, giant monster movie. You'll have to wait at least 50 minutes before you can safely and resoundingly begin to snicker and giggle. Before you hit that mark, there is little to roll your eyes about beyond the horrendously produced musical tracks. I have never heard a score that took me out of the moment (as monster-movie-mundane as it may be) like the background tunes of Octopus However, the laughs continuously multiply and intensify tenfold over the following thirty minutes. The movie ends on such an hilarious high-note that I nearly threw my back out while bursting with laughter. Octopus fails to provide an enormous amount of misses, but when the misses do occur, they are of such an implausible nature, that one cannot help but blast proverbial milk from their proverbial noses. (see list of illogical lines below)

War of the Worlds (The War To End All Wars)

The Details:
Directed by: Timothy Hines
Also Known As: Classic War of the Worlds
Runtime: 179!!!
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: USA: R

The Review:
What can I say about Timothy Hines' take on the H. G. Wells classic? It B's all it can B.

This retelling premiered alongside 2 other War of the Worlds releases, neither of which seem to live up to the original 1953 adaptation. Both of the low budget takes share a 2.9 (at this time) on the internet movie database, and the gluttonously budgeted, holocaustly overtoned Spielberg production leveled off at a 6.7. The original has withstood the test of time and remains at a glowing 7.2. Although these numbers aren't a definitive view of whether or not a film is well made, they do, from time to time, help me sleep better at night with the hopes that entertainment might not

Automatons

The Details:
Directed by: James Felix McKenney
Runtime: 83 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: B/W
Sound Mix: Stereo

The Review:
What a joy! Automatons could have easily become a refurbished parody or homage to numerous classic films and television shows from over half a century ago, but instead, it stands stably on its own two metallic, shimmying, corrugated legs.

The setup, which is told to us in a most discerning way through recorded videos being played back by The Girl, our resident robot repairer, is that the timeframe in which this story takes place, on either this planet or an entirely fictional one, only two remaining 'super-powers' exist in the world. Each of the remaining factions has it's own supply of monstorous mechanical soldiers, and neither appears to be giving in any time soon.

Our heroin goes on about her most dubious way and repairs the robots battle after glorious, explosive battle. The exposition taking place constantly as a voice-over by video playback unravels the history of this world. B-veteran Angus Scrimm provides that voice, and manages to keep the movie rolling along briskly with his delivery as an arrogant, fascist scientist bent on stomping out insurgents, terrorists, and eventually, just plain 'foreigners'. Where have I seen this before....

Shockwave (AKA A.I. Assault)

The Details:
Directed by: Jim Wynorski
Runtime: 94 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: USA:R

The Review:
I'm not going to bring the incredibly prolific 20-year history of director Jim Wynorski into the discussion, I'm simply going to address the movie as it stands (which is the way it aughta be as far as I'm concerned). That's what B-movies are all about; disregarding well-known actors, directors, and this thing they do in movies sometimes called "acting".

Let's jump right in, brain first. Shockwave, or it's more appropriate title of A.I. Assault, is a sci-fi geek's dream upon initial inspection. It co-stars major characters from 3 different generations of the Start Trek universe, as well as Bill freakin Mumy! The setup that takes place within about 13 minutes is; robot loose on deserted island --> plane carrying another genius military robot crashes on the same Deserted Robot Island™ --> random bank robbers are forced to land their failing chopper on --> you guessed it, Secret, Indestructible Deserted Robot Island™ --> send in the marines! --> and bingo-bongo, we got 30-foot squid-mechs running around murdering people we don't care about (but with a hidden agenda.) Now when I say "murdering", I'm actually referring to crap-job CG dummies being thrown through the air swiftly enough to avoid detection by the human eye. In fact, aside from two very fun decapitations towards the beginning of the movie, and an explosive end to one marine, there really isn't anything here for you gore-lovers.

Alien Apocalypse

The Details:
Director: Josh Becker
Runtime: 88 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby Digital
Certification: USA:TV-14

The Review:
Claiming to be the "highest rated (more ambiguity, please) sci-fi pictures original of all-time!", Alien Apocalypse is an enjoyable and surprisingly expansive low-budget creature feature. It has strong influences from Planet of the Apes, having a nearly identical plot setup, and also some of the stronger themes found in Bruce Campbell's most commercially successful film, Army of Darkness. Competently directed by Josh Becker, who has gained some acclaim for his no-nonsense filmmaking, it comes very close to rising out of it's b-movie status, were it not for the cartoonily (so I just made it up... so what?) obvious voice-over work and periodic cheese-ball acting from the Bulgarian locals. Also, Sci-Fi pictures had a hand in lowering this picture into the seedy dungeon that is: the B-movie, as they had nearly complete control over the pacing, as well as free reign to manipulate some essential plot reveals.

A quick summary might go a little like this: Doctor Ivan Hood is dropped into a future overrun by emotionless grasshopper-like alien baddies and embarks on a quest to locate the President of the United States and assist his efforts to free the human race from enslavement.

The cinematography is, from time to time, well handled and pulls the legitimacy of the whole movie up with it. But, when the characters within that frame are wearing beards and wigs that look as if they were made for a 3rd grade christmas play, it's a little hard to take the whole thing seriously. This movie has some genuinely hilarious and frequently original and meaningful dialogue, however. Couple that with the lines being shot from the hip of B legend Bruce Campbell, and Xena alum Reneé O'Connor, and you end up with a movie that is fit to B-tied.

Big Meat Eater

The Details:
Director: Chris Windsor
Runtime: 82 min
Country: Canada
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: Canada:PG (2005) / Canada:R (original rating)

The Review:
Welcome to Burquitlam and meet the pillar of society, local butcher, and all-around swell guy; Bob Sanderson. He will be our host as we take a slice of this small town and examine it over the course of a few short days. We get to know this town very quickly as we attend a town meeting where our lead, Bob, presents his ideas for a new universal language that will help simplify our lives and create unity throughout the world. Although filmed and set in the 80s, it's clear that this movie's era is the 1950s. Technological optimism, and an overly hopeful outlook on the future are a few of the running themes. The school children are even taught here that "the future lies in the future". Everyone, including Bob, feel that household appliances are the single most important contribution man has made to the world.

We also get to know a few other characters including Abdulla, the enormous and frightening boiler-room attendant, and Jan Wezinski, a high school student who's driving goal is to reach outer space. For reasons we are unsure of, Abdulla murders one of the mayor's meaningless thugs. Just before this bizarre killing, he sings a song about the Baghdad Boogie and plays a trombone in the basement while the heat steadily rises from the boiler. He is also summarily fired because of his lack of attention. He then proceeds to shove the town mayor into a running vehicle engine, and drives off in the same car. Later, Abdulla is inexplicably carrying around the body in a burlap sack and it accidentally gets mixed in with Bob Sanderson's usual delivery of meat. The body is hung in the freezer, which is then locked up tight. Abdulla's mission becomes clear; retrieve the body by any means possible... even if that means becoming Bob's new butcher trainee.

The Terror Within

The Details:
Directed by: Thierry Notz
Runtime: 90 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Stereo
Certification: Australia:M / UK:18 / USA:R

The Review:
I guess if someone produces hundreds and hundreds of movies it isn't fair to assume that every single one is going to be great, or even decent. There's bound to be a total flop in the mix at some point, and that my friend is the story of The Terror Within.

A plague has swept over mankind. A team of military scientists with modified brown thrift-store overalls (complete with id tags that list first, not last names) reside in an underground bunker. Apparently since they're out in the middle of the Mojave desert where nobody would be anyway we're supposed to get the feeling that they are some of the last remaining people on earth. On the surface are some vicious gargoyles...or uh...they're actually mutated humans...No wait, they just called them gargoyles! But aren't gargoyles mythological creatures that ward off evil from man made structures? Hell, no matter what they are, they are men in pathetic, unimaginative rubber suits with oversized alligator masks that are completely separate from their bodies. The mutants are also determined to mate with the only surviving women. All 3 of them.

Obviously, any chance of originality in the storyline is out the window. One would think that even though the scenario might be a blatant ripoff of past films that they would at least keep the audience entertained with some good gore or decent laughs. Nope, we get neither, and it's truly disappointing.

Gorgo

The Details:
Directed by Eugène Lourié
Runtime: 78 min
Country: UK
Language: English
Color: Color (Technicolor)
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: Finland:K-12 (re-rating) / Finland:(Banned) (original rating) / Sweden:15 / UK:PG / USA:Unrated / UK:X (original rating)

The Review:
You always know that you're in for a real treat when the first line of a film is flubbed. This is my review of the least Like Nothing I've Ever Seen Before film I've ever seen. Then again, if by "Like Nothing You've Ever Seen Before" they meant; "Most Like Godzilla We Could Get Away With", then it was very much Like Nothin.... oh, you get the point.

Here we go, Gorgo (aka The Story of King-Kong as played by Godzilla). Start in with a couple of salvage dealers, Sam and Joe, on board their ship. They encounter inexplicable volcanic activity. The ship is damaged in the high waves, but luckily there is an island nearby. Our two sort-of more main characters head out to find some fresh water (they have unexpectedly run out.....). Along the way these two fellows who are always looking for a way to make a quick buck happen upon some strange carcasses floating on the surface of the ocean. These dead bodies are "like nothing they have ever seen", and yet, there is no hesitation to press on and ignore their scientific, if not highly monetary, value altogether.

Crash And Burn

The Details:
Directed by: Charles Band
Runtime: 85 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Stereo
Certification: Iceland:16 / Finland:K-16 / UK:15 (video premiere) / USA:R

The Review:
Don't let this poster fool you, it's not a romantic comedy. Crash and burn is a so-so little movie from the Mech-age. It combines pretty decent visual effects, a few genuine creep-out moments, and a wacko terminator-style villain. Overall though, the movie comes across as just a little too decent. If it were any worse or any better it might be worth mentioning. I must say, though, that if you aren't a huge film-buff you might be able to enjoy this movie.

The setup of C&B is quite simple; the world is run by corporations, most notably the horribly logo-ed UNICOM, the corporations have cyborgs everywhere spying on the public, and they can be ordered to kill at any time by use of a special virus called Crash and Burn.

Megan Ward gives a pretty decent first-film performance as our female lead, Arren. She plays a 16-year old computer hacker and granddaughter to Lathan Hooks, owner of a small independent television station (and possible member of an underground organization who wants to bring down the corruption that is UNICOM). The movie does a decent job of building up the history of this possible future, set in the year 2030, although we see virtually no evidence of the outside world as the budget obviously couldn't afford it.

Teenage Caveman (2002)

The Details:
Directed by: Larry Clark
MPAA: Rated R for strong sexuality, substance abuse, language, and violence - all involving teens.
Runtime: USA:90 min / USA:100 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby
Certification: Argentina:16 / Finland:K-18 / Germany:18 / South Korea:18 (DVD rating) / UK:18 / USA:R

The Review:
In the 24 years of my existence, a few movies have managed to truly touch my soul and offer me a new outlook on life. Most people in our culture have had the same experience, perhaps with The Breakfast Club, Forrest Gump or The Passion of the Christ. For me, it would have to be Teenage Caveman.

Begin scenario setup: It's a post-apocalyptic future. Society has been reduced to small tribes lead by religious fanatics. The males are the dominant gender and are relied upon to provide food for their tribe. Teens are bombarded with constant threats

to their well-being if they give in to their nature of sin, because "God is coming and he is PISSED!" David, the pretty-boy-leader of the teens, ends up killing his father and is confronted by an angry mob. They leave him to die, but thankfully his friends quickly come to the rescue. They all run away and get caught in some nasty weather that somehow knocks them all out. We come to find the unconscious teens re-(barely)-clothed and in a strange location. We quickly meet two new characters who discovered the stranded teens. End scenario setup. Begin B-Movie-Magic.

Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (Special Edition DVD)

The Details:
Directed by Larry Blamire
MPAA: Rated PG for brief mild language.
Runtime: 90 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Black and White / Color
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: USA:PG / Canada:G (Quebec) / Canada:PG (Ontario) / Singapore:PG

The Review:
We can all agree that there are several common makings of a great b-movie experience that will more than likely include the following: poor or seemingly first-time performances, special effects that give themselves away instantly, a plot that is full of random occurrences that barely manage to push along the simplistic story, and, of course, a fantastical title and subject matter. The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra manages to do take each of these elements and amp them up to their limits to create a wonderfully enjoyable farce. However, take note that the writer and director, Larry Blamire, is not making light of these classic horror and sci-fi movies from the 50s and 60s.

He is, instead, paying homage to them by taking the essence of what makes the b-movie entertaining to us and playing it from a purely comedic angle.