Directed by: Larry Clark
MPAA: Rated R for strong sexuality, substance abuse, language, and violence - all involving teens.
Runtime: USA:90 min / USA:100 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby
Certification: Argentina:16 / Finland:K-18 / Germany:18 / South Korea:18 (DVD rating) / UK:18 / USA:R
The Review:
In the 24 years of my existence, a few movies have managed to truly touch my soul and offer me a new outlook on life. Most people in our culture have had the same experience, perhaps with The Breakfast Club, Forrest Gump or The Passion of the Christ. For me, it would have to be Teenage Caveman.
Begin scenario setup: It's a post-apocalyptic future. Society has been reduced to small tribes lead by religious fanatics. The males are the dominant gender and are relied upon to provide food for their tribe. Teens are bombarded with constant threats
to their well-being if they give in to their nature of sin, because "God is coming and he is PISSED!" David, the pretty-boy-leader of the teens, ends up killing his father and is confronted by an angry mob. They leave him to die, but thankfully his friends quickly come to the rescue. They all run away and get caught in some nasty weather that somehow knocks them all out. We come to find the unconscious teens re-(barely)-clothed and in a strange location. We quickly meet two new characters who discovered the stranded teens. End scenario setup. Begin B-Movie-Magic.
At this point, all importance of a plot or story-line gets blown completely out the water. Why? Because we quickly dive into a drug and alcohol filled orgy of epic R-Rated proportions...that goes on...and on...and on...It's incredible how long this segment lasts, and I love every second of it. Thank you Larry Clark, thank you.
Anyway...so we learn this strange place they're in is an old BioTech research complex. It turns out Neil and Judith (the two people that discovered the motley crue of teens) are genetically-altered-super-humans, with drug and sex habits that make Lemmy from Motörhead look like my friggin' Grandma. SPOILER WARNING: So on we continue with more sex, more drugs, more sex, more alcohol, more sex, more drugs, and literally out of nowhere BAM: One of the females EXPLODES!!! And boy do I mean EXPLODES!!! I mean flying blood and guts topped-off by a lovely protruding femur, with several close-ups of all the pink and crimson goodness to satisfy any gore lovers appetite. Not to mention that A.) All she was wearing was a pear of panties when it happened, and B.) Judith was masturbating while watching all of this unfold! END SPOILER. Thank you once again Larry Clark, you have no idea how much I love you for this.
So how does the story develop? Who cares, because we get all of the following...and then some!
Awesomely-Bad Acting & Hilarious Dialog: Either the characters are completely dull or ridiculously over the top. Tiffany Lamos' (Judith) acting is honestly some of the worst I have EVER seen, and it's entertaining as hell to watch. Also, every single delivery by the redneck of the bunch is a riot, and Neil always steals the screen with his coked-out-maniacal-glam-rock-surfer-boy persona. I also want to make note of Neil's initial introduction, one of the coolest character intros in B-History. How can you possibly top bursting through the door singing and dancing along to "Where Eagles Dare" by The Misfits?
Excessive and totally absurd slapping: Now I know what you're thinking, "What, slapping?" Yes, that's right. Slapping! This movie has more characters slapping each other than an entire row of chick-flicks at your local rental store COMBINED! To make things even better, when one slap occurs, the slapper BARELY TOUCHES the slappee and it sounds like a fucking black-cat went off!
Unexpected and ludicrous gore: Despite the exploding nekkid chick, we get SPOILER WARNING: a punch through Judith's chest that results in the holding of her heart, a decapitation of the redneck by Neil's bare-hands (followed by a little peck on the heads lips) and a visually impressive slashing of the wrists. END SPOILERS.
Monster Mania: A sweet creature designed by Stan Winston that goes ape-shit. Plus he's wearing silver pants. 'Nuff said!
So yeah, that's pretty much Teenage Caveman. It's nothing Oscar-worthy, it's not thought provoking, it's not artsy or expressive...It's just a rollicking B-Movie with tons of nudity that will have you laughing from start to finish. Enjoy it for what it's worth!
NUDITY: You'd have to rent a porno to get more!
VIOLENCE: Sparse, but always jaw dropping!
HUMOR: Takes "slap-stick" to a whole new level!
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