Tower of Blood

The Details:
Director: Corbin Timbrook
Runtime: 80 mins (minus twenty for the uninspired opening and ending credits, yaaaaawn)
Language: English
Color: Color
Aspect Ratio: 4x3 (menu-16x9, go figure)
Certification: R

The Review:
A dvd menu of the cheapest quality imaginable. A poorly photoshoped image of a killer with dreadlocks. The play button is pressed. Fade to black... "But his mother said to him, 'Your curse be on me, my son, only obey my voice and go, get them for me.' - Genesis 27:13" ...needless to say, I was already in stitches. After more than 5 and a half minutes of credits, ToB pushes on to become an up & down thriller/slasher that is about as unique and original as a masked maniac slaughtering young, dumb, bland, big-boobed teens with a machette.

Let's get into the plot of Tower of Blood. The story involves a masked maniac slaughtering young, dumb, bland, big-boobed teens with a machette...

Skinned Deep

The Details:
Directed by: Gabriel Bartalos
Runtime: 97 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color (DeLuxe)
Certification: USA:R / Germany:18 / UK:18

The Review:
This gem of a B-dazzling B-movie is initially a re-hash of classics much like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A group of travelers is welcomed into a freaky slasher country-house by a seemingly benign granny lady. Once they're sufficiently deep within the crazy-pit all hell breaks loose and the weirdies come out of the woodwork slashing, biting, and.. plate-throwing?

Yes, you heard right. There is a character in this movie named Plates. He is so aptly named because of a unique ability to buff and launch his porcelain discs at high velocities. Plates is played by the science-fiction and horror veteran Warwick Davis, the only actual actor in the film that has been in a movie anyone on the planet is familiar with, not that that is a prerequisite to being in a B movie by any means. This silly, nonsensical little lunatic is one of several enjoyable and unique characters littered throughout Skinned Deep.

Fear of Clowns

The Details:
Directed by: Kevin Kangas
MPAA: Rated R for violence, some nudity and brief language.
Runtime: 106 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: USA:R

The Review:
I used to hate clowns beyond reason. I was so terrified of their unnaturally white faces and constant grins there was no possible way my parents could ever take me to the circus (which is fine by me at this point, I refuse to support circuses and zoos. Animals aren't here for human entertainment people!). It wasn't until I forced myself to watch Killer Klowns From Outer Space as an early teen that I was able to break myself of this fear. Yeah. Laugh at me all you want, just stating the facts.

So when I picked up Fear of Clowns, I was expecting a similar goofy, tongue in cheek flick with plenty of crazy clown antics. Instead, what I got was a serious, original thriller about one artist's extreme coulrophobia.

Lynn is an intelligent, self-sustained artist that does highly acclaimed clown paintings for a living. She's currently going through a brutal divorce with a total pencil-thin mustache douche-bag. When she begins housesitting for a friend, people in the neighborhood begin dying left and right. To make things worse, she keeps seeing a creepy clown around town (yeah, I did that on purpose), causing the police to think she is pulling some kind of publicity stunt. It isn't until she meets a suave-overly-rich-hunk, sells her most expensive painting and is offered a 20 grand commission piece that things seem to look up for her...until the killings turn from random neighbors to her closest friends.

Intruder (Unrated Director's Cut)

The Details:
Directed by: Scott Spiegel
Also Known As:
Night Crew (USA) (working title)
Night Crew: The Final Checkout (USA) (video title)
Runtime: 83 min / 88 min (director's cut)
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color (DeLuxe)
Certification: West Germany:18 (heavily cut) / Australia:R / UK:18 / USA:R

The Review:
"Anal itch got you down?"

I've always heard about this little flick from Scott Spiegel & Lawrence Bender, but have never been able to find it anywhere...one of the many problems of living in the very definition of "Rural Location." So when I saw the director's cut was available at the local video store, I snatched it like a klepto on speed. To make things even better, I wasn't even the slightest bit let down. In fact my expectations were exceeded on nearly every level!

The scenario for the film goes a little like this: A group of teens work at the local Walnut Lake Market that is run by two good ol' boys. It's nearly closing time, and an unwanted customer shows up. It turns out he is the ex-boyfriend of the 80's-licious blonde cashier with monster-bangs. He proceeds to be a total douche bag and the entire crew takes their chance to beat him up and throw him out of the store. After closing time, he is still lingering around...and the shit begins to hit the fan.