War of the Worlds (The War To End All Wars)

The Details:
Directed by: Timothy Hines
Also Known As: Classic War of the Worlds
Runtime: 179!!!
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: USA: R

The Review:
What can I say about Timothy Hines' take on the H. G. Wells classic? It B's all it can B.

This retelling premiered alongside 2 other War of the Worlds releases, neither of which seem to live up to the original 1953 adaptation. Both of the low budget takes share a 2.9 (at this time) on the internet movie database, and the gluttonously budgeted, holocaustly overtoned Spielberg production leveled off at a 6.7. The original has withstood the test of time and remains at a glowing 7.2. Although these numbers aren't a definitive view of whether or not a film is well made, they do, from time to time, help me sleep better at night with the hopes that entertainment might not
end up becoming a Death Race after all.

This film must have truly been a labor of love for director Timothy Hines. It is an enigma of entertainment. Not since Lord of the Rings have I seen a movie with such a massive visual scope somehow maintain the exact level of production from start to finish. Unfortunately, that level of production is the same as nearly any local high school tv station. Keeping my eyes on the screen while preventing my thumb from pressing and holding the >> button are a testimony to the passion I have for this website, and I challenge anyone out there to watch the entire thing from credits to credits without developing a splitting headache. (and I did it twice!)

I feel like I've taken two in the chest for you guys, and here are the reasons why:

The level of filmmaking is so abysmally far below amateur that, again, I'm amazed it remains consistent throughout the entire production. You would think that they would at least get lucky here and there, or that they would have given up and cut the story off early. But, no. It is an amazingly consistent eye-rolling experience. This movie is, from start to finish, something that I can only compare to an early 90s cd-rom computer game (right-click to download Divx file). Nearly every single set is a bluescreen backdrop, and there is no relationship between the actors and what is happening around them. Their reactions are bland and their eye lines rarely match the supposed locations of the invading martians or collapsing puzzle buildings.

War of the World's editing is inconsistent, confusing, and unendingly repetitious. The most aggravating of the edits are those that jump from a person or object that is 30 feet away, to that same thing at 3 feet away and at the same angle. Then back out, and in again. The production team appears to have had no opportunity to plan out timing or to storyboard a single frame. The blocking is nonsensical and the standard 180 degree rule seems to have been thrown out the nearest computer generated window. No sequence involving actual elements or actors can contain a sustained, fixed shot because nearly 98% of this film is digital. I'm almost more inclined to call WoftheW an animation than I am a live action feature. This film contains a staggering amount of visual effects shots, so much so that individual camera angles requiring no digital manipulation could probably be counted on two hands.

Timothy Hines has mentioned that he wanted to make the first full translation of H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds. However, no one bothered to mention to Tim that movies and books are as different from one another as running barefoot through the grass and knowing the entire existence of the yard. Not that books are lengthy or boring by any means, but they can cover more ground and connect you to a subject matter that you would otherwise have no way of experiencing. They can also retain our attention during a single moment in time for nearly an eternity. Films, however, do not need to waste the audiences time showing characters traveling to and from every single location. Especially if nothing but traveling takes place during those times. There are entire scenes that contain no dialogue, and there are an exceeding amount in which characters do nothing but run in different directions.

I can't think of a single reason why anyone would want to watch this mustacheforsaken movie. It's extremely entertaining because of it's editing, effects, and acting, but it is also incredibly hard to sustain a giggle of sheer B-light for more than an hour. After that period, it becomes mind-numbingly painful to behold. Pendragon Studios should be thankful that most consumers can't seem to tell the difference between the dvd cover of a major hollywood motion picture and that of independent endeavors such as this one. I can guarantee that 95% of their dvd sales were because of this very reason.

The only other point I would like to bring up would be that this movie in no way deserves an R rating. Apparently, shots of people being suddenly replaced with shitty CG skeletons, who continue to writhe in pain (with what mystical, invisible muscles I have no idea), and one shot of a girl being stepped on by a giant robot, constitute R material. Perhaps, according to my own theory, the ratings board wanted to spare as many people as possible the horrors of people running from a deadly martian invading force... and running... and running... tripping... running some more... stopping... looking back... running some more... finding a CG horse-drawn carriage, crashing it... continuing on foot... continuing... stopping to look back AGAIN... you get the picture.

Bless you, ratings board.



EFFECTS: B-lightfully crude, brain-numbingly plentiful.
MARTIANS: Hardly as intimidating as Fraggles.
MUSTACHES ETC: Must B seen to B B-lieved.