Ice Spiders

The Details:
Director: Tibor Takács
Language: English
Studio: Sony Pictures
Runtime: 86 min
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Certification: R

The Review:
A group of "Olympic" skiers are taken to a remote ski lodge by their coach in the hopes that being cut off from a wireless signal, those internets, and friends and family back home will force them to keep their minds on the slopes. However, none of them could guess that there is a military base nearby performing experiments on giant spiders, and that those spiders are now running amuck across the frozen landscape. Oh yeah, you smell that? We got ourselves a B movie!

Ice Spiders starts off with an ample amount of promise. The title alone is spectacular, and although "giant spiders" has been done, the setting and ideas are fairly unique. Also, when we're introduced to our first sequence involving Rocky and Bob, two overeager hunters who run into a german shepherd-sized, ash-gray spider that makes quick work off them, I should have been cheering. But, much like the rest of the film, the entire opening sequence is just not satisfying.

First off, Rocky and Bob aren't ignorant or arrogant enough to make their deaths gratifying. The spider itself shuffles along the ground at a menacing .003 mph, allowing it's victims plenty of time to escape. So, much like classic zombie/slasher films, the survival of the characters mostly hinges on how nimble they are. Luckily for this ice spider, the hunters have forgotten how to walk.
Rocky and Bob's death scenes are also utterly without gore. Shocking, exciting, intriguing, and energizing, these are the elements that go into the makings of a great opening sequence which serves the purpose of holding the audience over while we proceed to muddle through introduction and exposition. We get none of that here. (However, I'm sure that in the 40s people would had to have been air-lifted out of the theater. But today? Not so much.)

Other than the decent composition of the story/plot elements, there really aren't many complements to throw in Ice Spiders direction. I get the feeling that if you're into skiing, you'll find it patronizing as the characters are constantly tossing out lines that include "shred", "carve", or "powder". Cutting to out-of-place stock footage of ski races doesn't exactly make the film feel legit. The gore is extremely disgusting, except that you only see a collective 20 seconds worth because it's a made-for-TV. On top of all of it, the spiders just aren't dynamic. Compared to 8-Legged Freaks, these spiders appear to be geriatrics.

When you combine the two elements "lifeless characters" and "baddies that just aren't that bad", you very quickly get a snooze-fest. Especially when you mix all of that up and toss a lame stock film score on top. Welcome to zzzzz city. It's a full 48 minutes before the movie begins to pay off as all hell breaks loose on the slopes.

We are then treated to a standard issue, abysmal display of logic from our "Olympic" 20-somethings:

While watching the mayhem from a protected location, they see 3 men running towards the team's shortbus. In one of the few sweet spider attacks, they are nabbed by silk and quickly pwnd by the little red, arachnid. After seeing this gruesome display, they realize that they need to get a move on. They look to their leader to come up with a plan. His plan? Run for the same bus less than 30 seconds after seeing 3 of their friends get annihilated in front of it.

yes... that's his plan. wow...

Like this Breviewer has seen dozens and dozens of times, this movie isn't cheese enough to laugh at, and it's not serious enough to scare. I do have to give the effects guys a big shout-out for one single shot. After a character is forced to jump from half-way up a ski lift, therefore snapping his legs, a spider approaches the helpless man and begins to feed. A bit later we cut back and the spider is just finishing up on the man's intestines. In a shockingly disgusting moment, the spider slurps up about 3 solid feet of intestine like it were spaghetti. Man... well done guys.

Besides a few minute, bloody nuggets, there's just nothing much happening here. Please try not to watch this turd's nest, I implore you.



NAB: The jumping spider tackles mid-air skiers.
POV: The spider-vision shots can be hysterical.
IMPALE: A mounted buck's head as a weapon? Awesome.