Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

The Details:
Director: Jack Perez
Written by: also Jack Perez
Runtime: 90 mins
Country: USA
Language: English
Certification: USA:R
Production Company: The Asylum

The Review:
Another exploitation film from The Asylum, the studio that has brought us dozens of pop-culture rip-offs including Transmorphers (breview coming soon), The Terminators, and The Day Earth Stopped, MS vs GO is a fairly worthy entry into the giant-monster flick genre. Unfortunately, the movie as a whole obviously can't cash the checks written by the box art.

Clearly being fans of classic Godzilla-era films, the filmmakers whip together a traditional small-cast narrative that introduces a colossal, human-caused menace that chews on well-known landmarks. The plot is three statements long --> Monsters awaken after being released from ice by illegal military activity, Monsters terrorize planet for a while and put characters at risk, Monsters fight each other towards the movies end <-- Naturally, the writers want to draw you into the lives of the characters so that you'll feel something for them when they're inevitably placed in Mega-harms way. (Let's face it, folks, they also need to waste time between on-screen monster activity) Unfortunately, they do a poor job of getting us to like the scientists, and they are unsuccessful in creating the illusion that our phony people who stand around in phony locations spouting off phony words are in any sort of actual Ultra-Giant peril.

Although having a seemly decent effects budget and/or team, where all movies of this genre predictably skimp these days is in the sets, storytelling, and of course, the acting talent. So, while the animation and visual effects aren't exactly up to hollywood standards, they are at least fun to look at and don't detract from what little story there is.

While, sadly, there may not be much to laugh at in the effects dept, our main characters, Emma and Seiji, played by singer-songwriter Debbie Gibson and Vic Chao respectively, are incredibly lame to behold. There's tons of laughter to be had when you combine bad dialogue with bad performers. It's just the best. However, when you combine bad dialogue with decent actors, Sean Lawlor as Professor Lamar in this case, you mostly come across disappointed that A) you aren't watching them in a much better movie, and B) they aren't making you laugh because of how embarrassingly stiff and uncomfortable they look when they blabber out lines like "Christ, he's coming faster than a jet!".

Thank the maker that Lorenzo Lamas decides to drop in part-way through the film and bring along his unbearably plastic delivery. He is easily the most unbearably entertaining thing about the film aside from the whole reason to see it, which, of course, is shown in the TRAILER. There are two reasons why The Asylum is in business. Both the outlandish box art and the trailers force you to think to yourself, "There has just got to be loads of crazy-hilarious crap like this in the film, right?". Sorry, but there isn't. And frankly, you should know better. If I could somehow use HTML to slap you across the face right now, I would.

Anyway, once they reveal that moment in the trailer (you know what I'm talking about), there is no reason to rent, stream, or (god forbid) buy this movie, aside from seeing Lorenzo look like a plate of Jell-o pudding while he tries to pull off a commanding military presence. During one of the half-dozen moments when the more overtly arrogant military characters prematurely cry out that they've killed one of the creatures, Lorenzo exclaims "Whoo! Who wants shark-skin boots?!". Just a great moment in b-moviedom.

I'll end this breview with a perfect illustration of how quickly these productions are tossed together. Our main love interest, Seiji, contacts Debbie Gibson over iChat or something and sends a video update from his Ultra Sub of how poorly the Mega Giant Octopus attack is going on the other side of the planet. He's buzzing around in one of those super advanced subs that is filled with completely non-descript, flashing buttons and a chair that sits in front of a single joystick. - Yes, we're supposed to believe that the military controls the depth, speed, and even weapons firing of entire submarines with the same apparatus that children use to keep Pac-Man's belly full of power pellets - Within about 3 minutes of seeing his last message, Deborah has a dream that Seiji is speaking to her from the same submersed location via Skype or whatever. Hilariously, the effects guys on MS vs GO (or more likely their superiors) forgot to replace the Mega Green Screen in the background with an image befitting a submarine backdrop, leading to audience confusion, and then to audience laughter.

Check out the awesome goofup, it should give you an idea of the overall quality of MS vs GO: Before & After



Watch the Trailer
Watch the damn Trailer
&... seriously just watch the Trailer