Gorgo

The Details:
Directed by Eugène Lourié
Runtime: 78 min
Country: UK
Language: English
Color: Color (Technicolor)
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: Finland:K-12 (re-rating) / Finland:(Banned) (original rating) / Sweden:15 / UK:PG / USA:Unrated / UK:X (original rating)

The Review:
You always know that you're in for a real treat when the first line of a film is flubbed. This is my review of the least Like Nothing I've Ever Seen Before film I've ever seen. Then again, if by "Like Nothing You've Ever Seen Before" they meant; "Most Like Godzilla We Could Get Away With", then it was very much Like Nothin.... oh, you get the point.

Here we go, Gorgo (aka The Story of King-Kong as played by Godzilla). Start in with a couple of salvage dealers, Sam and Joe, on board their ship. They encounter inexplicable volcanic activity. The ship is damaged in the high waves, but luckily there is an island nearby. Our two sort-of more main characters head out to find some fresh water (they have unexpectedly run out.....). Along the way these two fellows who are always looking for a way to make a quick buck happen upon some strange carcasses floating on the surface of the ocean. These dead bodies are "like nothing they have ever seen", and yet, there is no hesitation to press on and ignore their scientific, if not highly monetary, value altogether.


Our heros... well, our guys who have more lines than anyone else, quickly discover that the surrounding seabed contains priceless riches, and one man (the really really stylish one in town) is paying the small town's residence a wage to retrieve these relics. Although this man is an apparent expert on the artifacts (and the stylings of Don Johnson) which consist of gold coins, goblets, and various other golden household items, he still insists on referring to them by their more non-specific scientific name: things. In fact, the word "thing" and the word "stuff" are used more often in this movie than by any teenage girl who carries a slutty silver sequined handbag.

They acquaint themselves with a small and, I guess, parent-less boy, Sean. Any normal movie would have "They befriend a small..." but no, not Gorgo. Befriending requires both scenes and dialogue. That night, a 65 foot baby Gorgo appears and wreaks not-very-much havoc on the town. He is driven away by flaming logs. One of these logs happens to land in the monster's mouth causing the tiniest flame to emit. I am convinced this was done deliberately so that posters could have an image of Gorgo with flames shooting from it's jaws.

Mr. Don Johnson from Miami Vice then strikes a deal with the two main guys who the camera follows the most. They will capture and haul the monster away so that Don can continue his retrieval of invaluable merchandise, but they'll do it for a hefty fee. Actually, the specific payment agreed upon is a few of the priceless things Don has collected from the ocean's floor. So.. they make nothing. A gripping capture scene follows and the two guys who have the most lines in the movie, and are more handsomer than other guys in the movie, take the baby behemoth to London, put him on display, and make sweet, sweet, moolah. The kid stows away and reminds them from time to time how bad it is to mess with giant mean sea creatures who's names are based upon Greek legends.

If you just looked at the cover above, then this is not an END SPOILER. This lavish buildup of character and events has all been leading to one moment: Mommy Gorgo shows up and goes Silver-Back on London-town!!! What follows are no less than 20 minutes with NONE of the leading characters (but they were just becoming interesting!) and TONS of military stock / dude in suit / little girl dropping doll and doll therefore being trampled by mob / miniatures kinda falling over footage. And not only do they use shot after shot of varying officers, vehicle interiors, and times of day, but they attempt to edit them together with voice dubbing to make coherent scenes. All the while inter-cutting Gorgo destroying well-known British location after well-known British location. It all works out to eye-tingling results.

Possibly most rewarding is the Decision Scene. The military is presented with a way to prevent all of this destruction from ever taking place. "Let the beast return to it's mother", says Joe. To which Sam replies, "This is the 20th century. There must be some way of dealing with an overgrown animal." And for unknown reasons, the army agrees to this logic.

I witnessed this glory in fullscreen on VHS. I can only pray that the DVD masters did not attempt to clean up the footage in any way. The extreme amount of dirt, grime, and scratches manage somewhat to cover the hilarious special effects such as miniature stop-frame army men, and full-sized dummies, falling from various structures again and again.

I recommend you sit through the stunted dialogue and silly ancient monster antics so that the final line of dialogue may grace your ears. It should make you fall out of your chair.

I leave you with my favorite line from the film. To the single guard ordered to watch over Gorgo during it's transport to London: "If he so much as moves, start shootin'... and run like hell!"

-Cheers.





Effects: This must be how they did Jurassic Park.
Giant Monsters: Huge and Big and Large and Massive.
Character Development: Like Nothin You've Ever Seen Before!