13 Seconds

The Details:
Directed by: Jeff Thomas
MPAA: Rated R for horror violence/gore, language and some drug content.
Runtime: USA:93 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Stereo
Certification: USA:Unrated / USA:R


The Review:
13 Seconds (not to be confused with 8 Seconds starring Luke "Mega-Sideburn" Perry) is a surprisingly decent flick from up and coming director Jeff Thomas. The plot revolves around a rock band called "Night Gallery" that is expecting to record their next album at some old abandoned private school.

For some reason, the school seems to be in perfect condition despite the fact that it's been abandoned since around 1932. Also, the musicians look about as "rock 'n roll" as the local late-twenties rockers down the street that can't get any gigs because they're too busy playing the latest Madden on X-Box 360. Not to mention they all look well groomed and healthy despite the fact that they are supposedly heroin addicts...but I digress.


Anywho, the school has its own art gallery showcasing grotesque works that would scare any young kid into behaving in class - but just make people like me laugh. After all, these aren't actual paintings, they are photographs with various Photoshop filters applied to them! When the paintings are viewed up close, there is inCREDIBLE pixelation, with the signature nicely overlaid with a black sharpie. Yep, this is the kind of information you get when you read movie reviews from a graphic designer.

The terribly wooden actors quickly begin to turn up missing. The only clues or sense of direction the surviving terribly wooden actors have are found in the disturbing "artwork." And that, my friend, is when the horror tries its damnedest to begin.

The creatures are one of the films strongest points. I can't believe they pulled such a high quality look to these nasties with such a severely limited budget. It's just too bad one of the baddies falls into the typical "look at me I'm scary because my head is shaking back and forth all the damn time!" category. Sadly, this isn't the only typical aspect to the movie. Countless other cliche segments occur periodically, including annoying strobe-lights and the now-obligatory "cell phone service out" segment.

So now you're asking yourself, "Wait a minute, he started this review off on a fairly positive note...but this review doesn't seem to be so positive...what's the deal!?!" You wanna know what the deal is? This movie has ambition. This movie has a spark, at times faint, but nonetheless a spark that is missing in the majority of modern horror. And above all, this movie has some jaw-dropping, unexpected, creative death sequences. Take a look at some old Cannibal Corpse album covers and that will give you an idea what to expect.

The only reason I'm picking on such menial details is because that's the only thing that brings this movie down. Give this director a little extra money, some better actors that could at least sell ONE line and he's going to make something great. It appears as though other people have seen the same in Jeff, because his next movie Fallen Angels has quite the cast...including Reggie Banister. You can count me in on that.

So what's the bottom line? Smack down middle-of-the-road with this one, though I'll be keeping a watchful eye on what Jeff does in the future.

Oh and Jeff, just in case you ever read this: If you ever need any real paintings for a movie, let me know ;)




PASSION: This ain't yo average DTV horror.
CREATURES: How did they pull that off?
SWEET DEATHS: Will "rock" your face off, HA!