Wolfhound

The Details:
Directed by: Donovan Kelly
Format: Closed-captioned, Color, NTSC
Language: English
Unrated Version.
Runtime: 86 min
Studio: New Concorde

The Review:
When you run a movie review site such as this one, you're bound put yourself through a relentless amount of torture every now and then. But that's the risk we at b4brainz are willing to take.

Wolfhound has something to do with an American writer that has just arrived in Ireland. He's staying at his late parents humble ol' abode in order to garner some inspiration for his next novel. Problem is, he's brought his wife and kids along with him...bad idea buddy, haven't you ever seen The Shining? His wife is a sporadic bipolar nut-case, which sounds exciting written down but it's really not. The kids are...kids. There are a number of mangy dogs lingering around the supposed-to-be-beautiful-but-we-never-get-to-enjoy-it Irish setting. But the crusty canines are more than what they seem: through Michael Jackson music video style transformation they can morph into virulent voluptuous vixens!

The wolfbabes seduce the writer, and through some kind of insanely-overactive woman's intuition his wife IMMEDIATELY knows he cheated on her. Then they fuss and fight, spend plenty of time hating each other, bicker bicker bicker....yawn. It turns out the writer is also a wolfhound, and in order to find his true spirit he has to have some supposedly "kinky" sex with them. Sound exciting again? Nope! If the director seriously thinks this boring shit is "kinky," his head would explode if he were to spend a mere 30 seconds looking up "BDSM" on Google. Eventually there is a nonsensical showdown between the writer and another male wolfhound. We find out everyone in town is a wolfhound. Credits roll.


Yeah, it's bad. Really bad. And not good-bad. Bad-bad. Terrible-bad. Awful-bad. Every possible synonym for the word "bad"-bad. Now you ask, "Can it really be THAT bad?" And my answer is yes, it's that unspeakably-bad...unless all you want to see are the occasional fake pair of breasts, then it's not quite as bad-bad.

Judging from the previous paragraph it is apparent my intelligence level has dropped tremendously after watching Wolfhound.

When it comes down to it, this damned movie is simply caught in limbo between crappy Skinemax style porn and Were-Horror. Do yourself a favor when you see Wolfhound at the rental store: Pick up the box and look at the fantastic cover illustration by Luis Royo. Then put it back down and spend your money on something else...like a pack of Bazooka® brand bubble-gum. That would be FAR more entertaining and wouldn't leave you with such a horrible aftertaste.

A little nudity is all that saves this from getting the lowest of low reviews...though fake brainless centerfolds do nothing for me, personally. How in the world did they get Royo to paint for this garbage!?!?!?




FAKE BREASTS?: Might be a payoff for some people I guess.
PLAYMATES?: See above.
COVER ART?: Only good thing in the whole mess.