Laser Mission

The Details:
Directed by: BJ Davis
Also known as: Soldier of Fortune
MPAA: Rated R for violence and brief nudity.
Runtime: 84 min
Country: USA / Germany / South Africa
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby
Certification: Australia:M / Germany:18 / USA:R

The Review:
With a title like "Laser Mission" that just screams campy sci-fi goodness, how can you possibly go wrong? Well, I guess if there aren't any lasers it might kind of ruin things...and this movie has zero. However, the movie does have a mission: to make people like me laugh hysterically!

The plot of Laser Mission involves a stolen diamond, a kidnapped scientist, and a mercenary trying to retrieve both. At least I think that's what just happened...on paper anyway. What really happened was some extended car chases, playground mentality gun fights, and round after round of wonderfully-awful one-liners. All I know for sure is that my side hurts from laughing so damn hard.

I've always been a big fan of Brandon Lee, so maybe I'm a little biased towards this being watchable. Rapid Fire is easily one of my favorite action movies of all time. I used to watch it religiously as a kid (yeah I grew up watching R-Rated action movies, got a problem with that?) and try to mimic all of Brandon's spectacular movements.


Though, unlike Rapid Fire and Brandon's other films, the action sequences in Laser Mission are choreographed terribly and usually filmed from the least exciting of all possible camera angles, minus a few sweet-shots. Don't get me wrong, this only adds to the overall laugh-factor. Apparently, all the director told the bad-guy extras was "charge towards Brandon while yelling and die the second he points his weapon in your general direction."

The acting is without a doubt a joke on every level. Even Academy Award Winner Ernest Borgnine can barely pull off a single line. Also, the villains aren't even the least bit intimidating, especially with their pouty-looking scowls. SPOILER WARNING: In one particular segment, the guy who is supposed to be the main villain shows off his collection of human heads. Except they are so blatantly fake I wasn't sure at first if they were even meant to be real! When I quickly realized that yes, these are "real" human heads he's collecting, I was overcome with tears of joy END SPOILER. It's the little things like this in life that make it worth living. It really is.

Now onto the soundtrack. Boy oh boy, is this soundtrack incredible. It includes one song that gets played repeatedly, a little track called "Mercenary Man" by David Knopfler. Throughout the course of the movie we get to hear segments of it while jeeps flip over and people instantaneously die by Brandon's hands. But wait, there's more! At the end of the movie, when the credits roll, we get to hear the entire song! I can see how a lot of people would be genuinely annoyed by this, but not me! Every time this song came on I was on the floor!

Despite all the music, gunplay and hand-to-hand combat, it's Brandon Lee's wise-guy action hero persona that really elevates this movie from the bad-bad to the good-bad range. The dialog he has to work with is some of the worst you will ever hear, but he delivers it with a smart-ass charisma that always makes it enjoyable. SPOILER WARNING: My favorite scene is without a doubt when Brandon parachutes into a small Cuban military camp, donning a fake mustache and an absolutely atrocious accent. END SPOILER. This scene is so terribly over-the-top I don't understand how anybody could critique this movie seriously.

There are two reasons I'm taking the score down a notch on Laser Mission. One is the misleading title. I actually found this in the sci-fi section of the local video store, when in all actuality there is not a single element of sci-fi to be found! I had big expectations of a sensational climax with some heavy-duty laser action, but alas there was none. However, I have to give them credit, I honestly think "Laser Mission" has to be one of the greatest movie titles of all time. Just say it out loud...how can that not make you smile? The other reason is that the movie has a couple dry spots where the badness is just...bad. Luckily these moments don't last long. If it weren't for these two details, this could have easily been the best bad action movie of all time.

If you're the type of movie fan that just can't wait for the next Fast & The Furious installment, this is definitely not for you. It takes a certain type of person to enjoy something like Laser Mission, and it's those type of people this site is geared towards. And if that means you, I encourage you to get your hands on Laser Mission as quickly as possible!

I leave you with a few memorable quotes that I fully intend to use on a regular basis. If you haven't seen it yet, you might want to skip over these to get to the final review. Adios!

Michael Gold: "I specialize in recess and girls."

Michael Gold: "You know, you guys really know how to win friends and influence people."

Michael Gold: "I don't work for America. I work for money."

Michael Gold: "I never put price tags on women. It's much more fun taking them off."

(After falling through the ceiling) Michael Gold: "I just dropped in to say, "Bon Appettite."

Michael Gold: "Your sense of timing is impeccable. It's just one of the many things I like about you."

MEDIA (You don't wanna miss these gems - Quicktime 7 required):
Under cover (Video)
Action! (Video)
Threat from a villain (Audio)
What's for dinner? (Video)
Titular Line (Video)




DIALOG: So awful you just have to see it yourself.
WISE-GUY HERO: Brandon is a blast to watch!
NON-STOP ACTION: Only a few boring spots.