Cemetery Gates

The Details:
Directed by: Roy Knyrim
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Region: Region 1
Aspect Ratio: 1.78:1
DVD Release Date: May 30, 2006
Run Time: 91 minutes

The Review:
YYYESSS. Ohhhhh yes bloody yesss. Immediately after watching the nearly unbearable bore-fest that is Beyond The Wall of Sleep (which I'm not looking forward to reviewing), I had the pleasure of viewing Cemetery Gates. I rented it on the sole basis that it starred Reggie Bannister, who plays one of my most favorite characters of all time in the spectacular Phantasm & its sequels. Little did I know that I was going to get a no-holds-barred splatteriffic creature flick with a relentless sense of humor!

A couple of animal rights activists break into a research facility to liberate a poor tasmanian devil from experimentation. The problem is, it's not your furry little maniac you saw on Animal Planet...It's a giant genetically enhanced SLIMY maniac...aptly named "Precious!" After it massacres the two buffoons that set it free, the bad-beast is free to wreak havoc in the woods where a group of kids are conveniently making a low-budget zombie film.

The movie crew is the most cliche of all possible groups, and I say that lovingly. Let's get out the checklist...Nerdy introverted "let's get down to business" male: check. Equally intelligent "I'm intrigued by this nerdy guy" female: check. Smart ass "I'm the coolest fuckin' guy ever" idiot with always-agreeing stoner counterpart: check. Blonde "I must flaunt my body at every possible occasion" bimbo: check. And besides the film makers, Reggie's character is always a blast on screen. Overall, the character ingredients are all there for a good time, and the movie never misses any opportunities at exploiting each of their personalities.


Now the characters might make for a good time, but what about the rest? Well good news B-Movie fans, this movie has it all! The acting is a constant laugh in the best possible way. Gallons upon gallons of blood SPRAY across the screen with every fabulous kill. Rubbery severed limbs casually..."flop" into frame. The monster stumbles around as if it just took a few shots of whiskey. Random, and boy do I mean RANDOM additional characters are periodically introduced for the SOLE-PURPOSE of dying. And last but not least: shameless, crimson-coated nudity! All of this is carried along with joke after side-splitting joke. What more could you ask for? Oh, you want to see the crappy monster get pissed on? Ok, no problemo!

I'm pretty surprised about the production quality of Cemetery Gates as well. The picture quality is superb, but it probably helps that most of it takes place outside in broad daylight. This only adds to the ridiculous level the gore reaches, there's not even darkness to hide the waterfalls of blood this movie presents! I'll definitely be looking forward to seeing what this crew does in the future.

So there you have it B-Buddies, rent or buy this puppy as soon as possible!!!




BUCKETS OF BLOOD: Does it EVER STOP?? Haha!
PRECIOUS: Can we keep him mommy?
HUMOR: Your face will be in pain!