Demonic Toys (AKA Dangerous Toys)

The Details:
Director: Peter Manoogian
Written by: Charles Band/David S. Goyer
Runtime: 86 mins
Release: Straight to video
Taglines: "Dangerous. Deadly…" & "It's Playtime..."
Production Company: Full Moon Productions

The Review:
First off, if you couldn't swallow Chucky being a threat in Child's Play, then this entire subgenera could never be acceptable to you. Don't even try to enjoy it even as a creep-out, but feel free to as a laugh. The very concept that something that's essentially limbless could fly through the air, grab you, and render you powerless is a staple of many horror films (including the hugely popular Slither). This film is no different. Demonic Toys is littered with successful attack after successful attack wherein a 6 ft human stands by, motionless, while a 3oz toy stabs them in the crotch/eyes/etc… Quite silly. But, especially for this breviewer's tastes, it's also quite hilarious.

There are lots of characters involved in the epic and adorable battle against evil including; a security guard, delivery boy, stow-away, and even a captive murderer who's mostly meant to keep things agitated and consistently on edge. The ragtag crew is thrown together and needs to find a way out of their prison of plastic and plush before morning or all hell is going to break loose on Earth.

Dollman (AKA MicroCop)

The Details:
Director: Albert Pyun
Written by: Charles Band/Chris Roghair/David Pabian
Runtime: 79 mins
Country: USA
Tagline: "Thirteen inches... with an attitude
Production Company: Full Moon Productions

The Review:
When a picture opens with the Full Moon Production logo, you know you're in for it. What exactly "it" is is anybody's guess. Full Moon Entertainment generally pushes wild concepts that play out as truly original on-screen antics. Not to say that they aren't insanely derivative. They very often cash in on the most recent and successful genre picture, but they are definitely unique, to say the least, by mainstream film standards. So to see that moon float up onto the screen screams "buckle the hell up for some quintessential B fun."

In Dollman, we have Tim Thomerson playing Brick Bardo who's a hardened hero with a preposterously powerful pistol, the 596.8 Ruger. It is widely known to be the most powerful handgun in the universe (you read it right) and can easily separate a man's head from his body or his ass from his colon.

During an interstellar pursuit, Brick gets pulled into a wormhole of some kind and winds up on a planet full of violent, power-mad giants in the midst of all out war. Namely, The South Bronx. He encounters a wholesome and determined woman and they team up to restore order to their dangerous, gang-ridden area of the city.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

The Details:
Director: Jack Perez
Written by: also Jack Perez
Runtime: 90 mins
Country: USA
Language: English
Certification: USA:R
Production Company: The Asylum

The Review:
Another exploitation film from The Asylum, the studio that has brought us dozens of pop-culture rip-offs including Transmorphers (breview coming soon), The Terminators, and The Day Earth Stopped, MS vs GO is a fairly worthy entry into the giant-monster flick genre. Unfortunately, the movie as a whole obviously can't cash the checks written by the box art.

Clearly being fans of classic Godzilla-era films, the filmmakers whip together a traditional small-cast narrative that introduces a colossal, human-caused menace that chews on well-known landmarks. The plot is three statements long --> Monsters awaken after being released from ice by illegal military activity, Monsters terrorize planet for a while and put characters at risk, Monsters fight each other towards the movies end <-- Naturally, the writers want to draw you into the lives of the characters so that you'll feel something for them when they're inevitably placed in Mega-harms way. (Let's face it, folks, they also need to waste time between on-screen monster activity) Unfortunately, they do a poor job of getting us to like the scientists, and they are unsuccessful in creating the illusion that our phony people who stand around in phony locations spouting off phony words are in any sort of actual Ultra-Giant peril.

Worm

The Details:
Directed By: Richard Powell
Produced By: Zach Green
Country: Canada
Language: English
Color: Color

The Review:
In a flooded market of direct to dvd horror, CG blood and mainstream zombie mania it is becoming harder by the minute to find a film of genuine quality. Luckily, a needle fell out of a haystack right in front of me. Shining white and glowing like an angel. Or more appropriately, black and festering like a case of Ebola.

"Worm" is a short film from fledgling film house Fatal Pictures. However, this isn't another YouTube quality attempt to be "edgy" by some drunken college kids with a camera phone. No, once the opening shot of "Worm" graces the screen any worries of poor production quality are quickly diminished, and things never go downhill.

"Worm" is an incredibly dark, sadistic and competent psychological thriller that dives deep into the psyche of high school teacher Geoffrey Dodd. The film is carried almost entirely by Dodd's internal monologue, carefully acted by Robert Nolan. Nolan's acting and voice work maintains a perfect level of insanity that never topples into absurdity.

20 Years After (AKA Like Moles Like Rats)

The Details:
Director: Jim Torres
Co-written by: Ron Harris
Runtime: 95 mins
Country: USA
Language: English
Certification: USA:R

The Review:
Although this movie isn't want we want to review on this website (found here!), I feel I must give it some attention for those who may be online, quickly searching for a review or two before they pick it up off the store shelves. Plus.. you know... I watched the thing the under the same false B-tenses that you might also easily succumb to.

So let's get right to it; 20 Years After is NOT what you expect. Whoever distributed this film (I suppose it's MTI Home Video) has done the same as 99% of the companies out there who are in their position, and I suppose I don't blame them for wanting to maximize potential profits. However, I do not approve of their tactics in any way, and I dare to call them cowards for following through with the 'misleading DVD cover art' safety net that we see covering the shelves at the rental store, more-so in the horror/sci-fi section than any. In this case (no pun intended), it is not an example of the cover art misleading the consumer because it promises that the movie will be of a higher budget or be more visually impressive (example) when it definitely is not.

Ice Spiders

The Details:
Director: Tibor Takács
Language: English
Studio: Sony Pictures
Runtime: 86 min
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Certification: R

The Review:
A group of "Olympic" skiers are taken to a remote ski lodge by their coach in the hopes that being cut off from a wireless signal, those internets, and friends and family back home will force them to keep their minds on the slopes. However, none of them could guess that there is a military base nearby performing experiments on giant spiders, and that those spiders are now running amuck across the frozen landscape. Oh yeah, you smell that? We got ourselves a B movie!

Ice Spiders starts off with an ample amount of promise. The title alone is spectacular, and although "giant spiders" has been done, the setting and ideas are fairly unique. Also, when we're introduced to our first sequence involving Rocky and Bob, two overeager hunters who run into a german shepherd-sized, ash-gray spider that makes quick work off them, I should have been cheering. But, much like the rest of the film, the entire opening sequence is just not satisfying.

First off, Rocky and Bob aren't ignorant or arrogant enough to make their deaths gratifying. The spider itself shuffles along the ground at a menacing .003 mph, allowing it's victims plenty of time to escape. So, much like classic zombie/slasher films, the survival of the characters mostly hinges on how nimble they are. Luckily for this ice spider, the hunters have forgotten how to walk.

Dangerous Worry Dolls

The Details:
Director: Charles Band
Studio: Wizard Full Moon
Runtime: 80 min
Aspect Ratio: 1.66:1
Country: USA
Certification: Unrated

The Review:
From prolific horror director Charles Band, comes the tale of yet another creepy gaggle of B-monic dolls. Dangerous Worry Dolls is an entertaining look at what can happen when you don't take voodoo seriously. It's a cheap flick with below average acting, some slow parts, some gory parts, and some gratuitous nudity. In other words, it fits the bill of "B-movie" almost perfectly.

The story follows a girl named Eva who has, until now, lead a less than savory life and has therefore ended up in the clink. She has to deal with constant assault by her fellow attractive inmates and the seemingly independent staff who fully exploit the power they have over the girls, from the Warden on down.

Karate Cop (AKA Omega Cop II)

The Details:
Director: Alan Roberts
Runtime: 91 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: USA:R

The Review:
Karate Cop is the most unlikely of sequels. One of the most blatantly bland excuses for an action move I'd ever seen somehow produces a semi-hilarious B action flick that I am extremely glad to have in my library? I would never have guessed.

The last cop on Earth, John Travis, is back for another go-round as an unlucky hero who clings to his former career, even though the rest of the planet has fallen to pieces and has become a world where only the strong survive. The young and the weak are prayed upon by thugs and gangsters, bent on controlling what's left of the planet, and having as much sadistic fun as they can in the process. After an hilariously heroic introduction, Travis is tasked with protecting several dozen children, the last in a cityscape filled with dangerous gang lords who would quickly snap the neck of even the smallest child to satisfy their thirst for mayhem.

Hallowed Ground

The Details:
Director: David Benullo
Runtime: 83 min
Language: English
Color: Color
Format: 1.85:1
Sound Mix: Dolby Digital 5.1
Certification: USA:NR

The Review:
Genius Products, the guys who helped bring us Quentin Tarantino's Deathproof, had a hand in producing this very finished, but incredibly bland, direct-to dvd supernatural horror/thriller. I pulled HG off of the shelf based solely upon the tagline on the box, "You can't bury terror." I don't know if they have a Pulitzer offshoot category for 'most amazingly nonsensical quote that somehow does it's job in getting people to rent a movie', but whoever managed to force that nugget from the right side of their brain should take it home for 2007.

Hallowed Ground takes place in a tiny rural town that is somehow fully functional and yet consists of less than 30 people. Our heroin, Liz, played by Jaimie Alexander, stumbles upon the town of Hope when her car suddenly grinds and whirs, slowing her to a snail's pace and forcing her off of the highway. She progresses slowly down main street, coming face to face with the blank stares of the the townsfolk who obviously do not care for outsiders.

Hammerhead

The Details:
Directed By: Michael Oblowitz
Release Date: 18 June 2005 (USA)
Tagline: Half Man. Half Shark. Total Terror
Also Known As: Hammerhead (USA) (DVD box title), SharkMan (International: English title)
MPAA: Rated R for violence.
Runtime: 92 min / Germany:88 min (DVD version)
Country: Aruba / USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: Germany:18 / Netherlands:16 / USA:R

The Review:
Sharks have always held a special place in my heart. In fact, I have a vivid memory of the very first picture I ever drew that I was happy with: A wholesome little crayon piece detailing a shark sinking its teeth into a helpless recreational swimmer. At that moment I knew I wanted to be an artist.

Now, some twenty or so years later, when I see a movie called Hammerhead I just can't help but snag it off the shelf. Call me sick, but I had a severe craving for some grisly shark attack mania solely for the sake of a few laughs...

But were the laughs delivered? Yes, yes they were.

Hammerhead is not the typical Jaws ripoff like one would expect. The plot revolves around a mad scientist named Dr. King played appropriately by B-God Jeffrey Combs. His poor son was diagnosed with cancer, so naturally the only solution was to fuse his son's stem cells with those of a hammerhead shark and transform him into an ugly-as-hell-but-cancer-free-half-man-half-shark-beast-thing! It's logical, really...when you sit and think about it...